Speedy Delivery: A Weekly Song Editorial
It's Hard To Be Red
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Notes: I read an article about redheads during the week of St. Patrickís Day (the only day us Reds are celebrated) that suggested redheads make up only 2% of the United States population Ė and the numbers are falling faster than Bushís approval rating. The sun has been screwing us over for so long, and now it seems that our very own country has forsaken us. I wrote this song of Red Pride for my wife, brother, two nieces, and nephew who are all redheads; like me, they scorn the rest of the hemisphere for ďenjoyingĒ Spring, and the rebirth of the sunís ultra-violet death rays. While the song began as an Anti-Spring anthem, it emerged as a tribute to all the great Reds who have burned before us. Notable Reds that didnít make the song: William Shakespeare, Axl Rose, and Ginger Spice.
Itís Hard to Be Red
by: Jake Speed
The tulips are up, the robinís singing
The sunís come back, itís finally Spring and
Iím supposed to cheer or smile or dance or
Something like that but Spring to me means cancer
Iím red-headed, donít you know that
My skin is whiter than a bucket of snow
If freckles connected, Iíd be allright
But I guess thatís impossible, I already tried
I wish it were Winter again, and itís hard to be a Red.
Spring Break time, youíre all on a cruise
While Iím inside with the sunburnt blues
Your golden brown tan soaks sun by the ocean
While I sit and soak in 80 proof sunscreen lotion
Iím red-headed donít you see
Iím the one you made fun of as a kid, thatís me
Big Red, Carrot Top, Sunkist Melon
You can take your tan skin, and go to Hell and
you prolly wonít burn but I will
Ďcause itís hard to be a Red.
Woody Allen, Danny Bodaduce
Richie Cunningham and donít forget Lucy
Queen Elizabeth, Bloody Mary Queen of Scots
Anne Boleyn had a redhead but Henry cut it off
General Custer, Napolean too
Both red-headed, both got screwed
Trotsky and Lenin: two Communist Reds
even Gorbechev had a red thing on his head
Art Garfunkel, not as talented as Simon
But I like him better Ďcause heís red-headed, kind of
Jefferson and Grant, even Dwight Eisenhower
All White House men with Red Head Power
Willie Nelson and Bonnie Raitt
Both love singing their songs in the shade
Vincent Van Gogh may have cut off an ear
But he never cut off his dark orange beard
Mark Twainís a great writer, thereís no mistaking
But put him in the sun and heíd burn like bacon
Little Orphan Annie sang a gem
The Sun wonít Come Out till Tomorrow, Amen!
Iím red-headed, donít you get it
Iím the reason the whole country of Ireland was invented
Itís hard, I say, to live this way
When people only like you on St. Patrickís Day
Yet with all these difficulties said, Iím glad to be a Red. At least Iím not bald. Thank god Iím not a blonde. Iím glad to be a red.
Rembrandt wasn't a red head, I'm not either, poor van Gogh was, and so is my sister. A lot of my cousin are, but what the hell. A good friend of mine was, who road a Hog chopper, he never joined the Angels, but road with them all. I made cycle-world center fold, once myself, burnt a circle of black rubber, as the band was playing, people shouting and screaming, scattering off the dance floor, I could have got my ass kick good, before narrowly escaping out the back door,.... on my chopped Triumph bike of course.
posted by vanrijngo on October 28, 2007
posted by vanrijngo on October 28, 2007
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View All Songitorials
If there's anyone who could be called the "Woody Guthrie of Cincinnati," it's folksinger Jake Speed. Speed is again making moves that would do Woody proud. Speed's "songitorials" are weekly songs about current events. Think of it as a singing editorial with a healthy dose of wit and humanity. Each week, Speed will unveil a new song, dealing with different social issues of the day in much the way Guthrie's "Woody Sez" column once did.
by Mike Breen, Citybeat